Our world is a very confusing place where everyone thinks they know everything. They create an image about them in such a way that we get scared. We start to feel insecure and go into self doubt. The truth is everyone has a false identity and they have gotten used to living with it. They are so scared of moving out of their comfort zone and confront their fears, that they have made up their mind to work with their head down. Further, if someone else wants to look up and try something new, the whole society takes it up as their job to teach the person a lesson. Conforming him in thinking he is wrong. This all boils down to what I like to call it as “The Game of Confidence”. If you have self confidence , you will not need anyone’s advice to do everything in your life. Today we will look at some of the myths that have been put deep in our mind about confidence and fear. Also we will try and help you to better understand yourself and be true to you.
Starting off with the basic idea of confidence. What do we actually mean by confidence. If we know for sure how and what to do without a doubt, then we can say that we are confident in that work or thing. One other unique and less known meaning is trust. Having confidence on someone else for something. The underlying idea is we all cannot be 100% confident about anything in our life. Our mind will produce a thought to find mistakes in our decisions. This is how we self analyse ourselves. Before going deep into this topic I want you people to be well versed with the difference between values and goals. Goals are destinations that we set to achieve and value is the journey through which we can achieve them. To achieve a goal we need to identify the correct set of values to achieve it. Confidence comes in here. It helps us in deciding our goals and driving our values by trusting them. But here we should pay more attention to this scenario. Waiting for confidence to come for your decided goal and then acting on it is foolishness. Always remember “Action of confidence comes first followed by feeling of confidence”.
Now that you have understood the importance of confidence , let’s move on to reasons on why people have lack of confidence. The most common symptoms are :
- Excessive expectations
- Harsh self-judgement
- Preoccupation with fear
- Lack of experience
- Lack of skills
We all have been brain-washed about positive thinking. Even a thought about negative feelings like the ones stated above gives us shock running through our spine. Society from our birth tries to brain wash us to force us into thinking about positive thoughts. Negative thoughts are taboo or an unspoken thing that no one should do. They all say we should train our mind to think of only positive thoughts . Well if anyone has tried this they will tell you that it is not easy. You cannot train your mind to think in a certain way completely. it is not possible. The other point is it is not bad to have feeling like self doubt, fear , etc. It is absolutely normal. What the above reasons specify is the excessive nature of them. Sometimes when we have too much expectations , we generally have thoughts of self doubt. It means a lot to us and when the stakes are high every human brain starts to build thoughts about flaws in our plan or decisions. Too harsh self-judgement can also be very unproductive. The only legitimate way to increase confidence is a 4 step process. Practice your skills which makes it more into our natural habit and we don’t feel lost about the skill. We need to come out of our comfort zone and try things. If something is not working , try something else. Further we need to analyse whatever we are doing. “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten”. It is important to see what work is not affecting our progress. We need to modify our approach constantly. This helps us in adapting to new environment and we get a good exposure.
There are many self-help books, seminars that talk about instant confidence . It is literally what they say. You will feel confident for that instant only and later when you come out into the real world , you will be back to where you began from. We must first and foremost learn to accept that we are completely normal to think about negative thoughts. Thoughts and feelings like fear, guilt, high expectations, etc are normal.
The point is to understand the reality of life. You cannot control everything happening to and in the world. Bad things happen and will continue to happen. It only matters to whom it will happen today. You need to understand the reasons behind these negative thoughts. This brings clarity to you and your decisions. The important lesson is not to dwell on them for far too long.
- The Confidence Gap: From Fear to Freedom, by Dr. Russ Harris